Unfortunately, life is a teacher that gives the test before the lesson. But we never stop learning. That's why I'm making a vow (to myself) to keep on learning and working as hard as I can at all times. There are several goals I want to reach and I'm going to try and achieve them. I feel sorry for certain others who don't take advantage of what they've got in front of them. kent is a wonderful school and I'm learning so much.
On a side note. I've found a boy that I want. Anthony Rapp will marry me. It's official.
I don't have much to talk about in this blog other than college is wonderful. I'm having a great time with everyone. People are so ... interesting. My big is Jon Gluckner, hurrah! ... Yep, that's my life as of now.
I've realized a few things about myself this past week. Jayson is a good person to talk to.
"There are no rights and wrongs, it's just a survival of the fittest and perfection is up to interpretation. Your wrongs are my rights, your lows are my heights."
Ps. If I've been weird lately, ignore it. I'm dealing with some stuff. Don't take anything personal.
Oh yeah and I've figured out why I like writing these. It's because I change so often that it's fun to look back and see what I thought a couple weeks ago. Aaaanywayss. Love you ... Actually I probably dislike you :P
Friday, September 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Love falls in and out. Lust is the same but faster.
Recently, I came to a conclusion.
Conclusion: I'd rather fall in lust than fall in love.
Conclusion of the conclusion: I don't make very good conclusions.
I've decided (Hold on, may change in a couple seconds) that I don't want a boy. Whether it's love or lust. I mean, hey, if a surprise comes and it makes me happy, I'll go for it. But for now, I'm content.
It's been a while since I've been on here and I'd just like to make one conclusion that I've found to be true ... And mildly depressing.
Actual Conclusion: I don't know what the fuck I want.
Now that ^^^ is a conclusion. Almost like a conclusion that I don't have a conclusion on anything. I feel better in a strange way though. People seem like they have it all together when they really just want to have it all together. So, uhhh, I shall be the first to say that I have no clue. BUT, I guess I'm starting off with knowing what I don't want. And that's good right?
At least I have my head screwed on right.
And Chelsea, are you happy? Good. We need to chill and do awesome things.
Aaaaaand again. I don't really know why I am writing these blogs. I guess it's helping me figure things out. It feels kinda good. Whether this blog is read or not, I'm going to keep writing. It's like therapy for me. Now all I need is some valium.
Okay, thank you for reading this boring journal entry, if you will. It may get exciting in the future? Fuck it. Goodbye y'all.
Conclusion: I'd rather fall in lust than fall in love.
Conclusion of the conclusion: I don't make very good conclusions.
I've decided (Hold on, may change in a couple seconds) that I don't want a boy. Whether it's love or lust. I mean, hey, if a surprise comes and it makes me happy, I'll go for it. But for now, I'm content.
It's been a while since I've been on here and I'd just like to make one conclusion that I've found to be true ... And mildly depressing.
Actual Conclusion: I don't know what the fuck I want.
Now that ^^^ is a conclusion. Almost like a conclusion that I don't have a conclusion on anything. I feel better in a strange way though. People seem like they have it all together when they really just want to have it all together. So, uhhh, I shall be the first to say that I have no clue. BUT, I guess I'm starting off with knowing what I don't want. And that's good right?
At least I have my head screwed on right.
And Chelsea, are you happy? Good. We need to chill and do awesome things.
Aaaaaand again. I don't really know why I am writing these blogs. I guess it's helping me figure things out. It feels kinda good. Whether this blog is read or not, I'm going to keep writing. It's like therapy for me. Now all I need is some valium.
Okay, thank you for reading this boring journal entry, if you will. It may get exciting in the future? Fuck it. Goodbye y'all.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I woke up today and thought that I might die of indecision. I have so many options but I don't really feel like making choices. I have been procrastinating, over eating, and getting stressed. It's like my life won't slow down so I'm trying to make slow down by not caring. But I DO care, that's the problem. I care so much but I can't focus on it right now. This is no time for me to cry, or to be sad, or to be happy even. It's a time for me to get through what needs to be done. College. Beauty & the Beast. Sweeney Todd. My life feels more complicated than ever before and I don't know why. I want to get this year done with so that there might be another chance to feel something again.
Monday, January 25, 2010
How Many Calories Are In A Heart?
So many new ideas and thoughts are infesting my brain. I just got done watching the first half of Lady Gaga's The Monster Ball tour (illegally of course) and have so many intricate new ideas for my story. It has posed one question.
How many calories are in a heart?
I'm watching my figure.
I feel like a little monster tonight. I might go off and write some poetry to that effect tonight. I'll have to start letting people read my show soon. I've always said that, but in reality, I kind of don't want people to read it. It's not totally complete. Someday, someday.
That is it for now. Somehow I sit here to write my thoughts and then my thoughts want to go and hide on me. Maybe they don't want to be seen.
How many calories are in a heart?
I'm watching my figure.
I feel like a little monster tonight. I might go off and write some poetry to that effect tonight. I'll have to start letting people read my show soon. I've always said that, but in reality, I kind of don't want people to read it. It's not totally complete. Someday, someday.
That is it for now. Somehow I sit here to write my thoughts and then my thoughts want to go and hide on me. Maybe they don't want to be seen.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I found these old posts on my computer. Probably from the summer. Here they are. Another one of my "beginnings."
My life never really started until I walked my first few steps ion the Big Apple, the city that never sleeps. New York City seemed so magical to me. It was the first place where I felt alive and new. I was a little fish in a big pond and I was determined to become the biggest fish. Something inside me clicked and I knew what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to act, sing, and dance professionally while continuing my visual art on the side. I fell in love with art and the uniqueness of this world at once. Art is a language, a way of speaking and everybody has their own accent. The many people who were walking past me on the streets didn't even notice me. I wanted to be noticed and to be heard, so I vowed that I would. I saw Broadway, the fame, power, diversity, confidence, love, fun ... and I wanted it. Involvement in the arts and artistic fulfillment is the most important thing for me because it lets me express my emotions and feelings in a different way. At the current moment, my goal is to be on Broadway. Whether I'm the dance captain, the lead, or just in the ensemble, it would make a dream come true. I know I'm not the best, I'm still learning, but I keep trying to exceed my best.
I was never overweight or ugly but for some reason I thought that I was both. I would look in the mirror and I wouldn't like what I saw. I stopped eating to control my imagined obesity and spent hours trying to fix up my face and wear the right clothes just so that I could fit in. I wanted to be different but fit in at the same time. I closed off from the world, hiding my mind. It was narcissism of the masochistic mind. I loved the attention that came with the painfully innocent sorrow that I portrayed. Somehow I found security in not trusting anyone but myself. Depression and thoughts came next. In a world that is confusing as ever, I needed someone to hold on to. I was alone. I started having feelings of love. Feelings that I tried to abolish and ignore because they weren't right. They weren't what was accepted. I was alone, not eating, worried, confused, and now I was having feelings towards other men. When trying to flush out thoughts with depression and denial didn't work, I had to face the facts. I was, still am, and always will be gay. After quite some time I got the courage to tell the world my secret. It was the best decision of my life. It helped me deal with the challenges I faced at an early age. It helped me love others and love myself. I learned that to love others, you must first love yourself. I also learned that my sexuality was something that set me apart and made me different. It was what I wanted all my life. I was different, but I fit in. I now commit my life to my art and being unique.
My life never really started until I walked my first few steps ion the Big Apple, the city that never sleeps. New York City seemed so magical to me. It was the first place where I felt alive and new. I was a little fish in a big pond and I was determined to become the biggest fish. Something inside me clicked and I knew what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to act, sing, and dance professionally while continuing my visual art on the side. I fell in love with art and the uniqueness of this world at once. Art is a language, a way of speaking and everybody has their own accent. The many people who were walking past me on the streets didn't even notice me. I wanted to be noticed and to be heard, so I vowed that I would. I saw Broadway, the fame, power, diversity, confidence, love, fun ... and I wanted it. Involvement in the arts and artistic fulfillment is the most important thing for me because it lets me express my emotions and feelings in a different way. At the current moment, my goal is to be on Broadway. Whether I'm the dance captain, the lead, or just in the ensemble, it would make a dream come true. I know I'm not the best, I'm still learning, but I keep trying to exceed my best.
I was never overweight or ugly but for some reason I thought that I was both. I would look in the mirror and I wouldn't like what I saw. I stopped eating to control my imagined obesity and spent hours trying to fix up my face and wear the right clothes just so that I could fit in. I wanted to be different but fit in at the same time. I closed off from the world, hiding my mind. It was narcissism of the masochistic mind. I loved the attention that came with the painfully innocent sorrow that I portrayed. Somehow I found security in not trusting anyone but myself. Depression and thoughts came next. In a world that is confusing as ever, I needed someone to hold on to. I was alone. I started having feelings of love. Feelings that I tried to abolish and ignore because they weren't right. They weren't what was accepted. I was alone, not eating, worried, confused, and now I was having feelings towards other men. When trying to flush out thoughts with depression and denial didn't work, I had to face the facts. I was, still am, and always will be gay. After quite some time I got the courage to tell the world my secret. It was the best decision of my life. It helped me deal with the challenges I faced at an early age. It helped me love others and love myself. I learned that to love others, you must first love yourself. I also learned that my sexuality was something that set me apart and made me different. It was what I wanted all my life. I was different, but I fit in. I now commit my life to my art and being unique.
New Poetry
I wrote this because I love my art. I love having a language in itself. But I also love love. Love can be uneven, but art is steady. I want to take a risk sometimes.
heART
Introvert, naïve, not fully conceived.
No trust in a world, nothing to believe.
Love’s a roller coaster.
Society believes in love.
Love unevenly fluctuates. Art evenly loves.
Love and one night stands. Strong on art I stand.
Society believes in love.
Love, amour, and more. Art says more with less.
Love throws you full force. Art gently releases stress.
Introvert, naïve, not fully conceived.
No trust in a world, nothing to believe.
Love’s a roller coaster.
Society believes and society tells us,
But I’m a part of society, aren’t I?
A minority of society, but still part of us,
So does that mean I can’t try?
Society believes in love.
Love cheats the rules. Art follows my game.
Love twists things in my mind. Art helps me unwind
Society believes in love.
Love has many disguises. Art is au contraire.
Love falls in and out. Art is always there.
Love’s a roller coaster.
And sometimes I want the thrill.
heART
Introvert, naïve, not fully conceived.
No trust in a world, nothing to believe.
Love’s a roller coaster.
Society believes in love.
Love unevenly fluctuates. Art evenly loves.
Love and one night stands. Strong on art I stand.
Society believes in love.
Love, amour, and more. Art says more with less.
Love throws you full force. Art gently releases stress.
Introvert, naïve, not fully conceived.
No trust in a world, nothing to believe.
Love’s a roller coaster.
Society believes and society tells us,
But I’m a part of society, aren’t I?
A minority of society, but still part of us,
So does that mean I can’t try?
Society believes in love.
Love cheats the rules. Art follows my game.
Love twists things in my mind. Art helps me unwind
Society believes in love.
Love has many disguises. Art is au contraire.
Love falls in and out. Art is always there.
Love’s a roller coaster.
And sometimes I want the thrill.
Today I sat and wrote more poetry for the show I'm writing. (Yes, I'm writing a musical. Call me crazy.) While I was writing, it was hard for me to tell exactly what was on my mind. How can I write poetry if I don't even know what's on my mind? It's very hard. The show I'm writing, it's almost about me. An exaggerated version of myself. It's hard because when I'm writing, I can't figure out what I want people to feel about the story, or how I can change them with my words. I have so many ideas to pack into my show but it has to be told in simple terms. So, what I've realized about myself today is that I need some grounds to stand on. Sure, everybody is fighting over rights and wrongs. Morals. Nobody's ever going to agree on the same thing because when it boils down to it, one person's moral may be another person's death wish. I need grounds to stand on. I need to find out what I think on issues of life, love, and art. I need to stand for something instead of being vague. I think this will help me complete my show. Personally, I think everybody needs to be able to stand for themselves but still have mild acceptance and respect for someone who may be different. Disrespect should be made illegal.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Beginning
When I joined Myspace, I was going to do this blog thing. Like, I was determined. So I wrote two blogs for two days. Shows how long I can depend on determination. Anyways, I went back to find these two posts and decided to post them and read them.
January 5th, 2008
This is my first blog and I don't really know what I'm supposed to talk about, but I thought I'd start off with what's on my mind.
Love has a crazy effect on all of us as human beings. I feel like I'm just being opened to this feeling too. Being in the closet so long really almost scars you for life and gives you a preconceived notion of what love is. I thought that love was going to be just like it is in the movies. That is ... the boy meets girl (or boy lol) and things become great with only a few interfering things in the relationship but in the end, everything works out fine. Love is not that at all! Trying to find someone "right" is probably one of the most confusing things to do. Love has profound effects on emotion and twists the emotions of revenge, hatred, sadness, and many more. What's worse is that it makes you blind to things around you and you start to become paranoid about what is all happening. It's natural as human beings to want to love and be loved. Why do we all want something that is this dangerous? We thrive on it. Love can tear away at the heart but can also mend it. It's one crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out myself. I felt that I needed to jump into love too fast and immediately have a boyfriend. It was almost like a sense of security for me. But I think I've grasped how weird love can be after only two first dates with two guys. It seems weird, but I guess I never really understood "types" and how some people just don't work out. Also, how relationships can hurt real friendships. And how something that seemed good could end in the blink of an eye. I'm new to this and it doesn't make sense but I'm really trying to understand it and find someone. Here's some quotes relevant to this I guess ...
"Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game."
Amy Winehouse "Love is a Losing Game"
"Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass. That's the person worth sticking with." - Juno
"Love is giving someone the power to break your heart and trusting them not to."
January 6th, 2008
Well... I am just confused about where I stand right now. I don't know how to organize my thoughts and emotions and I feel like I don't really know who I am. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm confused. I mean, I consider myself a pretty nice guy, but I feel like I'm screwing up at love I guess. It's really weird because everyone tells me that it's not my fault but I think it is. I feel like I'm just being thrown around just because I'm "new meat." I guess I just fall for the wrong men, or so people say... Love is just so confusing. Right now I'm questioning if anyone will come along during my time in high school. Every other gay guy has so much experience and I really don't (granted I've only been out for a couple months). I'm worried that I won't find someone, but I do know that I don't want to settle for someone that I really don't want to be with. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are what I feel and it helps to lay them out in these blogs. J'ai fini.
Back to the future. I was stupid, naive, and innocent. I still don't even know what love is. Never even experienced it. I'm curious. I would like to think that was the beginning of my thoughts but I've had many beginnings. Every discovery is a beginning and I've discovered a lot. So now I'm starting this blog to sit back and organize my thoughts and my life. Hopefully the answer (or even the question I'm looking for) will be right in front of me. This is the beginning, although we all know that this is one of the many beginnings I will experience.
January 5th, 2008
This is my first blog and I don't really know what I'm supposed to talk about, but I thought I'd start off with what's on my mind.
Love has a crazy effect on all of us as human beings. I feel like I'm just being opened to this feeling too. Being in the closet so long really almost scars you for life and gives you a preconceived notion of what love is. I thought that love was going to be just like it is in the movies. That is ... the boy meets girl (or boy lol) and things become great with only a few interfering things in the relationship but in the end, everything works out fine. Love is not that at all! Trying to find someone "right" is probably one of the most confusing things to do. Love has profound effects on emotion and twists the emotions of revenge, hatred, sadness, and many more. What's worse is that it makes you blind to things around you and you start to become paranoid about what is all happening. It's natural as human beings to want to love and be loved. Why do we all want something that is this dangerous? We thrive on it. Love can tear away at the heart but can also mend it. It's one crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out myself. I felt that I needed to jump into love too fast and immediately have a boyfriend. It was almost like a sense of security for me. But I think I've grasped how weird love can be after only two first dates with two guys. It seems weird, but I guess I never really understood "types" and how some people just don't work out. Also, how relationships can hurt real friendships. And how something that seemed good could end in the blink of an eye. I'm new to this and it doesn't make sense but I'm really trying to understand it and find someone. Here's some quotes relevant to this I guess ...
"Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game."
Amy Winehouse "Love is a Losing Game"
"Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass. That's the person worth sticking with." - Juno
"Love is giving someone the power to break your heart and trusting them not to."
January 6th, 2008
Well... I am just confused about where I stand right now. I don't know how to organize my thoughts and emotions and I feel like I don't really know who I am. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm confused. I mean, I consider myself a pretty nice guy, but I feel like I'm screwing up at love I guess. It's really weird because everyone tells me that it's not my fault but I think it is. I feel like I'm just being thrown around just because I'm "new meat." I guess I just fall for the wrong men, or so people say... Love is just so confusing. Right now I'm questioning if anyone will come along during my time in high school. Every other gay guy has so much experience and I really don't (granted I've only been out for a couple months). I'm worried that I won't find someone, but I do know that I don't want to settle for someone that I really don't want to be with. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are what I feel and it helps to lay them out in these blogs. J'ai fini.
Back to the future. I was stupid, naive, and innocent. I still don't even know what love is. Never even experienced it. I'm curious. I would like to think that was the beginning of my thoughts but I've had many beginnings. Every discovery is a beginning and I've discovered a lot. So now I'm starting this blog to sit back and organize my thoughts and my life. Hopefully the answer (or even the question I'm looking for) will be right in front of me. This is the beginning, although we all know that this is one of the many beginnings I will experience.
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