The Beginning

When I joined Myspace, I was going to do this blog thing. Like, I was determined. So I wrote two blogs for two days. Shows how long I can depend on determination. Anyways, I went back to find these two posts and decided to post them and read them.

January 5th, 2008
This is my first blog and I don't really know what I'm supposed to talk about, but I thought I'd start off with what's on my mind.
Love has a crazy effect on all of us as human beings. I feel like I'm just being opened to this feeling too. Being in the closet so long really almost scars you for life and gives you a preconceived notion of what love is. I thought that love was going to be just like it is in the movies. That is ... the boy meets girl (or boy lol) and things become great with only a few interfering things in the relationship but in the end, everything works out fine. Love is not that at all! Trying to find someone "right" is probably one of the most confusing things to do. Love has profound effects on emotion and twists the emotions of revenge, hatred, sadness, and many more. What's worse is that it makes you blind to things around you and you start to become paranoid about what is all happening. It's natural as human beings to want to love and be loved. Why do we all want something that is this dangerous? We thrive on it. Love can tear away at the heart but can also mend it. It's one crazy thing that I'm still trying to figure out myself. I felt that I needed to jump into love too fast and immediately have a boyfriend. It was almost like a sense of security for me. But I think I've grasped how weird love can be after only two first dates with two guys. It seems weird, but I guess I never really understood "types" and how some people just don't work out. Also, how relationships can hurt real friendships. And how something that seemed good could end in the blink of an eye. I'm new to this and it doesn't make sense but I'm really trying to understand it and find someone. Here's some quotes relevant to this I guess ...
"Though I'm rather blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game."
Amy Winehouse "Love is a Losing Game"
"Find someone who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass. That's the person worth sticking with." - Juno
"Love is giving someone the power to break your heart and trusting them not to."

January 6th, 2008
Well... I am just confused about where I stand right now. I don't know how to organize my thoughts and emotions and I feel like I don't really know who I am. I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm confused. I mean, I consider myself a pretty nice guy, but I feel like I'm screwing up at love I guess. It's really weird because everyone tells me that it's not my fault but I think it is. I feel like I'm just being thrown around just because I'm "new meat." I guess I just fall for the wrong men, or so people say... Love is just so confusing. Right now I'm questioning if anyone will come along during my time in high school. Every other gay guy has so much experience and I really don't (granted I've only been out for a couple months). I'm worried that I won't find someone, but I do know that I don't want to settle for someone that I really don't want to be with. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are what I feel and it helps to lay them out in these blogs. J'ai fini.


Back to the future. I was stupid, naive, and innocent. I still don't even know what love is. Never even experienced it. I'm curious. I would like to think that was the beginning of my thoughts but I've had many beginnings. Every discovery is a beginning and I've discovered a lot. So now I'm starting this blog to sit back and organize my thoughts and my life. Hopefully the answer (or even the question I'm looking for) will be right in front of me. This is the beginning, although we all know that this is one of the many beginnings I will experience.